A couple days ago I went to a blood drive. It was mainly my friend Katie’s fault. She’s able to peer-pressure me into pretty much anything because she is awesome (I guess it’s a good thing that she’s a good person and donates blood instead of…like…being an axe-murdering prostituting chain-smoking curb stomper, because I’d probably do that too) …but that was that. Basically, I thought it would be a lot different in my imagination.
But it wasn’t like that at all.
It was in the school gym, which smelled of antiseptic wipes and fear. There were recliney-beds everywhere, little private booths that were made of gym-mats, and stern looking medical staff (who were actually really nice, but sort of intimidating). Also, there was a water jug where you had to drink two cups of water before you could get in. It was like a cult. In the corner, (segregated by first-time donors and regulars) you could see the Veterans, who were all chill and reclined in waiting chairs and stuff, and talking about their days in the blood-donor battlefield.
They did not reassure me.
Before I even got asked questions about whether or not I had ever had sex in 1977, I apparently looked like I was going to die, because the head nurse was all like ‘Are you okay? Why aren’t you drinking juice?’ and I was all like ‘I haven’t even gone yet…’ and it was awkward.
But soon enough I was on a bed, staring with extreme interest at the ceiling. Katie was almost done, and she looked even better than before, just getting her kicks and giggles out of draining away one eighth of her blood count.
After Katie was done she came to hold my hand while the nurse drew on my arm with a pen which I thought was a needle and I was in extreme pain and it was sad because, seriously, I thought that bitch was a needle.
Luckily I spurt a lot of nonsense when I’m nervous, so me, Katie and Brett didn’t really stop talking. I told the nurse I was strong like bull so there was no need for them to worry about me. And my face got really hot and my fingers were cold and they got all chubby, that was fun. And I got a revolutionary sash. Then I talked about rapping my top-secret totally anonymous teacher rap, and some other stuff which I don’t remember, and there was Urinetown and also some orange juice. And my blood is fast, apparently (I can donate blood faster than I can run a mile). When I got home, this is all my mother had to share with me:
Yes. I’m glad I could do it, though. I’m glad I could do something with my pretty much useless blood, because now where that one pint of blood used to be, I can store POWER and experience points.
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