Emotions They Ain't No Good To Me

I am not good at emotions. I fail at change. Traits like these, paired with the fact that I also can’t do math or science, basically rule out all chances of me succeeding in the adult world. The thing with me and emotions is, they all happen at the wrong times. Either that, or I react strangely, or don’t react at all. I’m sooper emotional or else Spock-like in my stoicality. Let me demonstrate some typical emotions my brain can’t figure out.

1.Friends Dating/New Things
I tend to handle new relationships and things I don’t understand with nervous hysterical laughter. The higher and snortier it gets the more freaked out I am. Unless I am actually having a laugh attack---sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, both result from little to no sleep.







2.Sadness
It’s like a ninja. It sneaks up on you.
















3.Compliments
When I was younger especially, I used to think all compliments were clever insults and suspiciously avoided them and all compliment-givers as secretly clever mean people who really hated my pants.









4.Anger
I don’t know WHY I’m mad at you. I just am.














Well, that has been my handy guide to understanding my emotions. Unfortunately there are probably like three more emotions or reactions to situations I have so you'll have to understand those on your own. I would draw out more, but I'm all tired now so logically I should spend three more hours reading or drawing other stuff to combat my fail-logic at emotions.

When You Start Beginning Words With 'LOST', You're A Goner

I am beginning to think that LOST may be impairing my perception of reality.

Due to my new schedule of finally falling asleep at two in the morning every night, I’m starting to realize just how much my life is affected by this show. Hell, how ANYONE’s is. Everyday situations are not the same anymore!





In an airplane, it doesn’t matter that I usually am on flights with a bunch of giant old people and tourist families with babies. EVERYONE HAS A STORY.

Since there’s a high percentage of convicts on the island who are all pretty much as scary as kittens in teapots, my fear has been banished.










And so on.
















It's almost sad, really. Scratch that. It is sad. Everyone else went through their LOST phase eight years ago and here I am, all like HOLY CRAP JACK AND CLAIRE ARE RELATED!!! OMG DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!!! SMOKE MONSTER!!! BABY!!! ...JESUS?

Maybe there should be a help group for this.

The Marvellous Adventures Of My Mommeh

The Conception of Inception (SPOILERS. sort of.)

The only inception going on before this movie was a whole lotta incepting of beer into mouths and therefore hallucinations into brains which turned into ideas which turned into movie which turned into profit, which is actually a brilliant formula.

Seeing this movie hurt my brain, but not because of its intelligence. Sure, the movie was great to watch----if you liked romance, there was a whole different romance section that included the repeating of only three phrases!!! (they went like this: (breathily muttered by French lady) 1. “Do you remember… when you asked me… to marry you? *lusty sigh*” 2. “There is a train, and you don’t know where it’s taking you, but you know where you want it to take you, but you don’t really know for sure… *dramatic pause* 3. “Think of James…now think of Phillipa…now…repeat that…”). If you liked action, there was shoot em’ up action (complete with faceless Mr. Smiths *cough* I mean projections!) on three dream levels!!! If you liked those mystery-murder corporate scandal movies, well, too bad, since that’s the actual plot of the movie and they forget that a lot. If you liked anything else, though, besides a whole lot of thinking, you were screwed. The movie’s characters and plot went like this:


LEO DICAPRIO: I am angsty because I lost my wife. I killed her even though I actually didn’t. Pity me, young and naïve Ellen Page.

ELLEN: *in a sad, tearstained voice* Oh Leo, you go through so much hardship and problems!!! You need me there to sort out your issues because no one else, not even your adult friends, can!!! Also, I make a convenient narrator to give recaps to the confused audience!!!

JOSEPH G-L (ARTHUR): Since I am the best friend and all around good guy, I will not say anything and constantly bail my friends out of danger. I am also one of the two characters who make a few funny jabs at each other, which get a couple weak giggles out of the audience.

CHEMIST GUY: I’m a chemist. I drug people. *Shadowy giggle*

(Arthur, Leo, and Ellen engage in a lot of strapping themselves to this mysterious drug-box which is never explained. They go on fanciful adventures into Leo’s past and, oh yeah, the main plot of the movie, this weak corporate scheme.)

ELLEN: Wait!! Wait!! *Dramatic head fling* What IS the point of this movie? Let me explain a few times!

MAIN INCEPTION PLOT LINE THEY’RE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH:

The son of this big business executive wants to carry on in his father’s footsteps, but that’s bad since…well, I don’t know, it was just bad. This Asian man wants Leo to go deep into the son’s subconscious and convince him to make his own company. I don’t know why they couldn’t just talk it out like normal people, but whatever. The beef of the movie is them going deeper and deeper into his mind, which is protected by faceless dudes with guns, to try and get it ‘on the lowest level’ that he has to change.

LEO: Thanks Ellen. Thank God we brought you along.

(Team frolics about in Son Guy’s brain---Asian guy gets shot)

LEO: Oh no! He’s my ticket back to my children! I mean, even though I don’t have a lawyer or anything and I’m supposedly a murderer, this sketchy Asian man told me I could go home and I totally believe it!

(Son Guy gets shot)

ELLEN: There’s only one thing to do. We’ve got to go to Hell. Apparently, people can’t die in this movie.

(Deep stuff about death ensues)

MAL (Evil French lady): *lusty sigh* Stay with me Leo. We have children. Think of James. THINK OF PHILLIPPA.

LEO: *Dramatic head fling* NO!! I CANNOT SEE THEIR FACES for some reason

MAL: STAY WITH ME HUSBAND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME

ELLEN: I’m done messing around in your life! Ellen OUT *jumps off house with Son Guy, who never says anything but will probably need a therapist by the time this is over*

LEO: I CHOOSE YOU, ELLEN!!! SO LONG, SUCKER

EVERYTHING RESOLVES ITSELF HOORAH

EXCEPT DID IT??? *impressive music* WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING’S A LIE

And that’s the movie. It was confusing, it had too many plots, it stole ideas that I’d had before (Curse you movie writers! I bet you CAN incept ideas from other people!), it had flat characters (Joseph G-L didn’t get enough lines) and it had plot holes. It hurt to think about, it was long, and it had this scary Demon Movie preview that had KK and me laughing hysterically even though the preview wasn’t funny and people looked at us weird and I stepped on the same couple’s toes, TWICE, since movie theatres are not accustomed to fat people and there was no room for the both of us.

In short it was brilliant, and I want to see it again.

How To Make Crappy Internet Work (with a few handy examples from my own laptop!!) and If It Doesn't, What To Do

1.Bribery and threats.

2.Flail laptop around the room at random, looking in vain for hidden pockets of WIFI.

3.Refresh. A lot.

4.Smack computer. This used to work in sixth grade.

5.Pray.

6.Yell a lot. Maybe the internet gods will hear you.

7.Convince the computer that, logically, it should be working since it’s already loaded the page.



8.Mind-meld with the computer. Make it feel your frustration.

9.Refuse to accept that there might actually be a connection problem. It’s impossible---it was working two seconds ago.

10.Plead. Bargain with laptop. Offer sacrifices of chocolate.

11.Try to break down laptop’s self-esteem by telling it it’s way littler than other, better laptops.

12.Switch the little connection-button on and off repeatedly and wait for the signal to come back.

13.Since best WIFI Is under bed, toss laptop under there, and wait to see if it works. This can also be used as a threat to your computer since Cat sits under there and will likely destroy it by sitting on it.

14.Use your imagination power. Visualize the internet working in your mind…now project that image onto the failure screen. It worked in LOST.

15. Take time to do those things you don't ever get time to do while you wait for your homepage to load. Set your alarm clock! Floss! Cook potatoes! Use those ten-to-thirty-minute internet-fail spasms to build yourself an Empire of Productivity!

16. Chant 'BUFFERING' really loudly until you get bored or the word starts to sound funny and not like a real word.

17. Use laptop as chic new briefcase by putting all your papers in between the keyboard and screen. It will serve more use AND be fashionable!

18.By all means, DON’T call Comcast. They get mad when you swear at them.

Wallflower