Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Driving and Why it Sucks
Counting today, four people have given me half a peace sign out their window,one's followed me and swore at me, one has followed me home to tell me not to be so suckish at life, I've had enough honks to sprinkle a birthday cake with, and several pictures taken of my bad parking jobs.
This does NOT make me a bad driver. I'd like to point out I STILL am alive. Also my passengers mainly survive, although that doesn't keep them from being sassy.
So, I'd like to take some time to celebrate all the lovely friends I've made on the road.
Driving and Why it Sucks:
Honking
You're turning right and there's a red light for two seconds and this happens:
Hearing a short light honk:
Hearing long multiple honks:
Police Cars
Once you get pulled over, you are scarred for life.
Driving in Dark:
Driving in Dark and the light behind you changes:
Today I ran into this guy:
I couldn't tell if he was a po po or if he just had serious douchetastical car bling. Seriously? Flashing tail and headlights in different colours? Who you tryin to fool, foo?
Those police cars that creep slowly behind you for miles:
Luckily I have devised a tried-and-true method for avoiding these flicker-offers and angry fat men who are delayed getting to their destination on time by two seconds and police cars that hunker down on roadsides threateningly, like a momma caribou.
Just avoid eye contact. And DON'T ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW.
This does NOT make me a bad driver. I'd like to point out I STILL am alive. Also my passengers mainly survive, although that doesn't keep them from being sassy.
So, I'd like to take some time to celebrate all the lovely friends I've made on the road.
Driving and Why it Sucks:
Honking
You're turning right and there's a red light for two seconds and this happens:
Hearing a short light honk:
Hearing long multiple honks:
Police Cars
Once you get pulled over, you are scarred for life.
Driving in Dark:
Driving in Dark and the light behind you changes:
Today I ran into this guy:
I couldn't tell if he was a po po or if he just had serious douchetastical car bling. Seriously? Flashing tail and headlights in different colours? Who you tryin to fool, foo?
Those police cars that creep slowly behind you for miles:
Luckily I have devised a tried-and-true method for avoiding these flicker-offers and angry fat men who are delayed getting to their destination on time by two seconds and police cars that hunker down on roadsides threateningly, like a momma caribou.
Just avoid eye contact. And DON'T ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Gingers
All I've ever wanted is to be a ginger and sing cutesy ukulele songs and become an internet sensation. Is that too much to ask? And adult Heelys. Also Matt Smith.
It is my personal belief that gingers are the luckiest species in the world. Seriously. Nothing ever goes wrong for those bitches. Here are some examples:
1. Ron Weasley
Gets the girl, has a famous best friend who saves the world AND is his brother in law, has a family of OTHER gingers...c'mon.
2. Katie
'Nuff said.
3. Amy Pond
Has Doctor Who as her best friend, AND Rory as her lover-man? Who created this universe of unfairness??
4. (formerly ginger) Charlie McDonnell (of Charlieissocoollike fame)
He MET Matt Smith and Arthur Darvill. Plus about a million girls would marry him on the spot.
Oh and don't even get me started on internet gingers! They seem to have a knack for getting celebrities to notice their awesome.
Meanwhile...
It is my personal belief that gingers are the luckiest species in the world. Seriously. Nothing ever goes wrong for those bitches. Here are some examples:
1. Ron Weasley
Gets the girl, has a famous best friend who saves the world AND is his brother in law, has a family of OTHER gingers...c'mon.
2. Katie
'Nuff said.
3. Amy Pond
Has Doctor Who as her best friend, AND Rory as her lover-man? Who created this universe of unfairness??
4. (formerly ginger) Charlie McDonnell (of Charlieissocoollike fame)
He MET Matt Smith and Arthur Darvill. Plus about a million girls would marry him on the spot.
Oh and don't even get me started on internet gingers! They seem to have a knack for getting celebrities to notice their awesome.
Meanwhile...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Attractive Restaurant Boy/Jim from Office
I'm replacing the place where I saw this person, just in case, god forbid, this person ever finds this. /awks/
This is a story I wrote at Ragdale (I'm typing it up from mah notebook). We were given 30 minutes, and our prompt was, 'free write about someone you recently talked to'. I felt a little creepy writing this honestly, but it made my Ragdale peers laugh buckets.
He turned towards the register and I was struck in the face immediately with the force of his glowy, tan skin and the sexy way he spoke, "Would you like your bagel toasted?"
Picture this like a Disney Channel movie. Only with class. All the brightness and fakeness of Disney, combined with the directing style of 500 Days of Summer, only with a scintillating plot. Also in a 30's-femme-fatale way.
I bust open the Frosty Mart door and walk in, spewing confidence like that bug-repellent stuff they spray over cornfields. Every eye in the place is on me, because seriously I am smoking. No. Literally. I have one of those fancy cigarette holder things twirling in my elegantly-done, vixen-red nails.
I tapdance over to the register, blonde hair in perfect ringlets, and as the swanky jazz music starts up, I lean casually against a wall.
Then. Attractive Frosty Mart Boy prances out of the darkness, in a spotlight, with a fedora. And in a low throaty voice he says,
"Ma'am. We are out of the pretzel bagels."
And then we foxtrot into the crimson sunset.
As you can imagine, this isn't how it happened. I waddled in awkwardly after my glamourous older friends, scruffy converse and poofy hair in all their glory, and waited casually in line, hoping Magical Jim Man wouldn't notice my face melting slowly into a colour rather like lobster bisque. He wasn't my type anyway. Boys who are attractive rarely are. I probably wasn't his type either---he probably had some lovely gorgeous ladyfriend back home, washing cars for cheerleading practice. Or maybe it was the complete opposite. Maybe he was supporting a family of seven on his Frosty Mart wage, huddling in corners and eating stale bagels to survive. I don't know, he COULD have had a bunch of kids, I couldn't tell how old he was---he had the kind of ageless look of David Bowie or Jesus. Sadly I will never know the answers to these questions because, as a lady, it is considered not classy to use bad pickup lines in a Frosty Mart. So I waddled back to Austin's car, sitting in back like a twelve year old and having my bagel handed to me like a six year old, pressing my hands wistfully against the glass window as the mystery of Magical Jim Man disappeared into the oblivion of time.
This is a story I wrote at Ragdale (I'm typing it up from mah notebook). We were given 30 minutes, and our prompt was, 'free write about someone you recently talked to'. I felt a little creepy writing this honestly, but it made my Ragdale peers laugh buckets.
He turned towards the register and I was struck in the face immediately with the force of his glowy, tan skin and the sexy way he spoke, "Would you like your bagel toasted?"
Picture this like a Disney Channel movie. Only with class. All the brightness and fakeness of Disney, combined with the directing style of 500 Days of Summer, only with a scintillating plot. Also in a 30's-femme-fatale way.
I bust open the Frosty Mart door and walk in, spewing confidence like that bug-repellent stuff they spray over cornfields. Every eye in the place is on me, because seriously I am smoking. No. Literally. I have one of those fancy cigarette holder things twirling in my elegantly-done, vixen-red nails.
I tapdance over to the register, blonde hair in perfect ringlets, and as the swanky jazz music starts up, I lean casually against a wall.
Then. Attractive Frosty Mart Boy prances out of the darkness, in a spotlight, with a fedora. And in a low throaty voice he says,
"Ma'am. We are out of the pretzel bagels."
And then we foxtrot into the crimson sunset.
As you can imagine, this isn't how it happened. I waddled in awkwardly after my glamourous older friends, scruffy converse and poofy hair in all their glory, and waited casually in line, hoping Magical Jim Man wouldn't notice my face melting slowly into a colour rather like lobster bisque. He wasn't my type anyway. Boys who are attractive rarely are. I probably wasn't his type either---he probably had some lovely gorgeous ladyfriend back home, washing cars for cheerleading practice. Or maybe it was the complete opposite. Maybe he was supporting a family of seven on his Frosty Mart wage, huddling in corners and eating stale bagels to survive. I don't know, he COULD have had a bunch of kids, I couldn't tell how old he was---he had the kind of ageless look of David Bowie or Jesus. Sadly I will never know the answers to these questions because, as a lady, it is considered not classy to use bad pickup lines in a Frosty Mart. So I waddled back to Austin's car, sitting in back like a twelve year old and having my bagel handed to me like a six year old, pressing my hands wistfully against the glass window as the mystery of Magical Jim Man disappeared into the oblivion of time.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Classy-Ass Grilled Cheese Sandwich (also a hillbilly one)
Hello boys and girls. Today I bring you a cooking challenge so excellent and delicious it will make all of your stuffy english grandparents swoon. I like this recipe a lot because it makes me feel like I have grown-up taste buds. If you are as galactorically bored as I am, you can make this! Woo! Cooking is fun!
Seriously, this is how classy it is:
Here's what you need:
whole wheat bread (or just bread. whatever.)
butter
aged white cheddar cheese (it is fancy and irish)
Dijon mustard
Granny Smith apple, thinly sliced
onion chutney (see below!)
if you're feeling damn fancy, watercress and mayo
Butter one side of each bread slice. On the unbuttered side of half of the slices, spread Dijon mustard. If you're feeling fancy, chop up the watercress (I think there's something else you do with it, but I dunno. Use the google.) and mix with mayo, then spread on the other bread slice. Slice some cheese really thin or else it won't melt and just be awkward. Put that and some thinly sliced apples on top of the Dijon and mayo. While you're cooking, you can eat the remaining green apple and feel like Barbossa. That is basically how I eat all of my greens.
Now it's time for the chutney. If you're having junior-year flashbacks to english finals, don't. It's gewd. It's like, dessert salsa, but with CARMELIZED ONIONS.
Onion Chutney
2 tbsp butter
2 yellow onions, diced
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp red chile flakes
1 tsp ground coriander (you can omit this if you're not high-class enough)
1 tsp brown sugar
4 tbsp apple cider vinegar (do not smell this directly from the bottle. it is potent. it's like cooking chloroform)
1/4 tsp cracked pepper
Heat butter in a pan over medium heat and add onions. Saute until translucent. Add salt, chile flakes and coriander and continue to cook for 15 minutes. Add remaining ingredients and cook until the onions are very soft and creamy.
Damn that's fancy! Too fancy you say? Well I better balance it out with a hillbilly recipe that is essentially also a grilled cheese.
Hillbilly Garlic Cheese Bread
I recommend eating nothing but raw vegetables for days after this. Also, you might destroy your family's gastrointestinal systems. But it's worth it.
3 1/2 cups grated Cheddar cheese
3/4 cups Monterey Jack cheese, grated
1/2 cups grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cups mayonnaise
4 green onions, minced (I used fresh chives, they goooood)
1 loaf crusty French bread
4 cloves garlic, finely minced
some butter
Preheat oven to 425.
Mix cheeses with the mayonnaise and the green onions/chives and garlic until it's nice and mashy. Mmmm, mashy.
Cut loaf of bread in slices. Butter each one with only a bit of butter! Spread mashy-cheese mixture until there's a good wallop on each slice. Seriously, there should be like a baby-sized amount on this bread.
Bake in a 425F oven until cheese is hot and bubbly, about 10 minutes.
Seriously, this is how classy it is:
Here's what you need:
whole wheat bread (or just bread. whatever.)
butter
aged white cheddar cheese (it is fancy and irish)
Dijon mustard
Granny Smith apple, thinly sliced
onion chutney (see below!)
if you're feeling damn fancy, watercress and mayo
Butter one side of each bread slice. On the unbuttered side of half of the slices, spread Dijon mustard. If you're feeling fancy, chop up the watercress (I think there's something else you do with it, but I dunno. Use the google.) and mix with mayo, then spread on the other bread slice. Slice some cheese really thin or else it won't melt and just be awkward. Put that and some thinly sliced apples on top of the Dijon and mayo. While you're cooking, you can eat the remaining green apple and feel like Barbossa. That is basically how I eat all of my greens.
Now it's time for the chutney. If you're having junior-year flashbacks to english finals, don't. It's gewd. It's like, dessert salsa, but with CARMELIZED ONIONS.
Onion Chutney
2 tbsp butter
2 yellow onions, diced
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp red chile flakes
1 tsp ground coriander (you can omit this if you're not high-class enough)
1 tsp brown sugar
4 tbsp apple cider vinegar (do not smell this directly from the bottle. it is potent. it's like cooking chloroform)
1/4 tsp cracked pepper
Heat butter in a pan over medium heat and add onions. Saute until translucent. Add salt, chile flakes and coriander and continue to cook for 15 minutes. Add remaining ingredients and cook until the onions are very soft and creamy.
Damn that's fancy! Too fancy you say? Well I better balance it out with a hillbilly recipe that is essentially also a grilled cheese.
Hillbilly Garlic Cheese Bread
I recommend eating nothing but raw vegetables for days after this. Also, you might destroy your family's gastrointestinal systems. But it's worth it.
3 1/2 cups grated Cheddar cheese
3/4 cups Monterey Jack cheese, grated
1/2 cups grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cups mayonnaise
4 green onions, minced (I used fresh chives, they goooood)
1 loaf crusty French bread
4 cloves garlic, finely minced
some butter
Preheat oven to 425.
Mix cheeses with the mayonnaise and the green onions/chives and garlic until it's nice and mashy. Mmmm, mashy.
Cut loaf of bread in slices. Butter each one with only a bit of butter! Spread mashy-cheese mixture until there's a good wallop on each slice. Seriously, there should be like a baby-sized amount on this bread.
Bake in a 425F oven until cheese is hot and bubbly, about 10 minutes.
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