Classy-Ass Grilled Cheese Sandwich (also a hillbilly one)

Hello boys and girls. Today I bring you a cooking challenge so excellent and delicious it will make all of your stuffy english grandparents swoon. I like this recipe a lot because it makes me feel like I have grown-up taste buds. If you are as galactorically bored as I am, you can make this! Woo! Cooking is fun!

Seriously, this is how classy it is:









Here's what you need:


whole wheat bread (or just bread. whatever.)
butter
aged white cheddar cheese (it is fancy and irish)
Dijon mustard
Granny Smith apple, thinly sliced
onion chutney (see below!)
if you're feeling damn fancy, watercress and mayo

Butter one side of each bread slice. On the unbuttered side of half of the slices, spread Dijon mustard. If you're feeling fancy, chop up the watercress (I think there's something else you do with it, but I dunno. Use the google.) and mix with mayo, then spread on the other bread slice. Slice some cheese really thin or else it won't melt and just be awkward. Put that and some thinly sliced apples on top of the Dijon and mayo. While you're cooking, you can eat the remaining green apple and feel like Barbossa. That is basically how I eat all of my greens.




Now it's time for the chutney. If you're having junior-year flashbacks to english finals, don't. It's gewd. It's like, dessert salsa, but with CARMELIZED ONIONS.

Onion Chutney

2 tbsp butter
2 yellow onions, diced
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp red chile flakes
1 tsp ground coriander (you can omit this if you're not high-class enough)
1 tsp brown sugar
4 tbsp apple cider vinegar (do not smell this directly from the bottle. it is potent. it's like cooking chloroform)
1/4 tsp cracked pepper

Heat butter in a pan over medium heat and add onions. Saute until translucent. Add salt, chile flakes and coriander and continue to cook for 15 minutes. Add remaining ingredients and cook until the onions are very soft and creamy.

Damn that's fancy! Too fancy you say? Well I better balance it out with a hillbilly recipe that is essentially also a grilled cheese.

Hillbilly Garlic Cheese Bread

I recommend eating nothing but raw vegetables for days after this. Also, you might destroy your family's gastrointestinal systems. But it's worth it.

3 1/2 cups grated Cheddar cheese
3/4 cups Monterey Jack cheese, grated
1/2 cups grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cups mayonnaise
4 green onions, minced (I used fresh chives, they goooood)
1 loaf crusty French bread
4 cloves garlic, finely minced
some butter

Preheat oven to 425.

Mix cheeses with the mayonnaise and the green onions/chives and garlic until it's nice and mashy. Mmmm, mashy.

Cut loaf of bread in slices. Butter each one with only a bit of butter! Spread mashy-cheese mixture until there's a good wallop on each slice. Seriously, there should be like a baby-sized amount on this bread.

Bake in a 425F oven until cheese is hot and bubbly, about 10 minutes.