Classy-Ass Grilled Cheese Sandwich (also a hillbilly one)

Hello boys and girls. Today I bring you a cooking challenge so excellent and delicious it will make all of your stuffy english grandparents swoon. I like this recipe a lot because it makes me feel like I have grown-up taste buds. If you are as galactorically bored as I am, you can make this! Woo! Cooking is fun!

Seriously, this is how classy it is:









Here's what you need:


whole wheat bread (or just bread. whatever.)
butter
aged white cheddar cheese (it is fancy and irish)
Dijon mustard
Granny Smith apple, thinly sliced
onion chutney (see below!)
if you're feeling damn fancy, watercress and mayo

Butter one side of each bread slice. On the unbuttered side of half of the slices, spread Dijon mustard. If you're feeling fancy, chop up the watercress (I think there's something else you do with it, but I dunno. Use the google.) and mix with mayo, then spread on the other bread slice. Slice some cheese really thin or else it won't melt and just be awkward. Put that and some thinly sliced apples on top of the Dijon and mayo. While you're cooking, you can eat the remaining green apple and feel like Barbossa. That is basically how I eat all of my greens.




Now it's time for the chutney. If you're having junior-year flashbacks to english finals, don't. It's gewd. It's like, dessert salsa, but with CARMELIZED ONIONS.

Onion Chutney

2 tbsp butter
2 yellow onions, diced
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp red chile flakes
1 tsp ground coriander (you can omit this if you're not high-class enough)
1 tsp brown sugar
4 tbsp apple cider vinegar (do not smell this directly from the bottle. it is potent. it's like cooking chloroform)
1/4 tsp cracked pepper

Heat butter in a pan over medium heat and add onions. Saute until translucent. Add salt, chile flakes and coriander and continue to cook for 15 minutes. Add remaining ingredients and cook until the onions are very soft and creamy.

Damn that's fancy! Too fancy you say? Well I better balance it out with a hillbilly recipe that is essentially also a grilled cheese.

Hillbilly Garlic Cheese Bread

I recommend eating nothing but raw vegetables for days after this. Also, you might destroy your family's gastrointestinal systems. But it's worth it.

3 1/2 cups grated Cheddar cheese
3/4 cups Monterey Jack cheese, grated
1/2 cups grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cups mayonnaise
4 green onions, minced (I used fresh chives, they goooood)
1 loaf crusty French bread
4 cloves garlic, finely minced
some butter

Preheat oven to 425.

Mix cheeses with the mayonnaise and the green onions/chives and garlic until it's nice and mashy. Mmmm, mashy.

Cut loaf of bread in slices. Butter each one with only a bit of butter! Spread mashy-cheese mixture until there's a good wallop on each slice. Seriously, there should be like a baby-sized amount on this bread.

Bake in a 425F oven until cheese is hot and bubbly, about 10 minutes.

Let's Talk Datinggggg

Hey gaiz. So I know you all are thinking, 'hmm. I mean I guess you're funny or whatever but srsly what can you ever have anything to say about dating?' Well, I'll have you know that, even though it's a Saturday night and I am in fact blogging and drawing pictures on paint AND watching iCarly, I had an incredibly serious relationship once.

In preschool.

It was the best time ever. We would catch those helicopter-leaves that fell from tall trees, and play on the monkey bars, and we planned to run away together after school. We talked about it every day.








For Christmas, he gave me like a 64-pack of awesome crayons. I gave him a candy cane wrapped in a printer-paper wrapping paper I made by myself. He then broke up with me because I was too cheap.

From then on, I never experienced the kind of love that preschool guy and I had. People always tried to explain it to me as I was growing up.

People are Strange (When You're a Stranger)

THIS IS A SUSPENSFUL TALE OF ADVENTURE, FRIENDSHIP, AND PIRATES. SOON IT MAY BE THE NEXT DISNEY MOVIE CHAIN I THINK


My mama taught me to never, ever, ever let people into the house. This may be because, as a family, we are all rather lonely people and we know when the doorbell rings there is probably an issue.







Reminiscent of a 40s bomb shelter, usually my sister and I, pros at never opening the door, just hide in the basement until the internet guys/telemarketers/probably harmless boy scouts get frustrated and go away.

But today we were defeated. The first time we won though.

The first time we were just getting inside, and a weedy-looking man in an orange vest waddled out of the neighbour's yard and told us he was the ComEd guy. We doubted him, so we just waited for him to leave. He left.




BUT THEN.

Three or so hours later, we heard a doorbell. The usual hiding and nervously peeking around all the windows ensued.

AND THE WORST POSSIBLE THING HAPPENED (besides death or asparagus):






So I ran into the basement.

Upstairs, I heard the screen door slide open, and some random man voices.
THERE WERE FOUR, how were we supposed to defeat them???

Apparently they were fixing our sprinkler.

One of them came down to talk to me, so I settled for CIUTATP (casual internet usage to avoid talking to people). You know what I be saying.